Part of the series Romance & Relationships: Boundaries, Vulnerability, Conflict, Repair, Cherishing.
Vulnerability in Romance ·
Establishing Boundaries ·
Ending the Endless Fighting ·
Repair in Relationships ·
Cherishing: More Than Roses
→ Also see the
Repair Workshop ·
Cherishing Workshop
Cherishing sounds romantic. The word itself has a softness to it. But in real life, cherishing isn’t soft. It’s hard work. It’s showing up when you’re tired, listening when you’d rather shut down, and reaching out when you still feel the sting of the last fight.
Cherishing is not lingerie and roses, though those can be fun.
Cherishing is the scaffolding of a relationship
It’s not posting anniversaries on Instagram. It’s not a performance.
It’s a discipline — a practice of attention, respect, and naming what you value in each other.
The Gottman Institute calls it the fondness and admiration system.
Terry Real in Relational Life Therapy talks about cherishing as one of the cornerstones of relational integrity.
Don Miguel Ruiz, in The Mastery of Love, writes that love is not about possession or projection but about respect and freedom: seeing the other as they truly are.
In the end, cherishing isn’t an accessory in relationships.
It’s the scaffolding.
Without cherishing, couples drift. There’s less playfulness, less checking in with each other, less ubtle touches of fingertips over an arm, and more and more distance.
Until, one day you wake up and wonder: why am I still here?
The Illusion of Grand Gestures
Most of us grew up believing cherishing meant big moves: flowers after a fight, champagne on Valentine’s Day, a surprise weekend away. There’s nothing wrong with those gestures. But if they’re not backed by daily respect and attention, they can ring hollow.
Cherishing is more subtle — and much more radical. It’s what you do when no one is watching. It’s whether you thank your partner for making coffee. Whether you roll your eyes when they tell a story you’ve heard before. Whether you speak with tenderness when you’re stressed, or lash out because you’re tired.
Grand gestures can be bought.
Cherishing is built.
Listening as Cherishing
We often underestimate listening. Not listening to fix, but to receive.
To really listen is to put down your weapon — the comeback you’ve loaded, the clever argument you’re saving — and let the other’s words land. Listening says: “You matter enough for me to stop and take you in.”
Can you stay present even when you don’t feel like it?
This is where Don Miguel Ruiz cuts deep: “Love has no resistance. You don’t fight it. You don’t try to control it.”
Listening, in this sense, is a form of surrender.
Not a white flag of defeat, but a bow to the bond itself.
Cherishing through listening is often toughest when we feel least like giving. When we’re tired. When we’re raw from an argument. When our partner is talking about something that, honestly, bores us. But these are the moments that make or break relationships.
Can you stay present even when you don’t feel like it? Can you hold space without demanding a payoff?
That’s cherishing.
Fondness and Admiration
John and Julie Gottman’s decades of research showed that couples who thrive don’t avoid conflict — they remember who they are to each other in the middle of it.
Their “fondness and admiration system” is not complicated:
- Noticing what you appreciate.
- Saying it out loud.
- Letting admiration act as a buffer against contempt.
- “I love how you handled that with the kids.”
- “Thanks for dealing with the bills — I know it’s not fun.”
- “You look good in that shirt.”
When you name what you value in your partner, you remind both of you why you’re here. Even small things:
It’s deceptively simple, because contempt creeps in fast. A sigh, a sneer, a sarcastic jab. Gottman calls contempt the single greatest predictor of divorce. Cherishing — through admiration, respect, gratitude — is its antidote.
This isn’t flattery.
It’s oxygen.
Freedom and Respect
Ruiz pushes cherishing into deeper ground: freedom. Real love, he says, is rooted in respect for the other’s freedom and wholeness. You don’t own them. You don’t try to fix or mould them into your fantasy.
Cherishing, then, isn’t just about admiration — it’s about restraint. About holding back the urge to correct, to control, to “improve” them. It’s respecting their path, their difference, their sovereignty.
That’s not always easy. It’s hard to cherish when you’re scared of losing someone. Hard to cherish when your insecurity wants to pull them closer than they want to be. Hard to cherish when they’re not behaving the way you’d like.
But respect and freedom are what make cherishing real. Without them, it slips into possession or performance.
When It’s Hard to Cherish
Let’s be honest: cherishing is hardest when you need it most.
- When you’re tired.
- When you don’t feel very generous.
- When you’re still carrying resentment from the last argument.
These are the moments when reaching out feels almost impossible. You might not feel like naming anything admirable. You might want to withhold touch, gratitude, or kindness as punishment.
But this is where cherishing becomes more than romance — it becomes discipline. Terry Real calls it “relational integrity”: doing the right thing for the relationship, even when your individual mood doesn’t want to.
It doesn’t mean ignoring your own feelings. It means holding both truths: I’m still angry, and I still love you. I don’t feel like reaching for you, but I won’t trash what we’ve built.
That’s not weakness. That’s strength.
The Body Keeps Score (In a Good Way)
There’s another reason cherishing matters: biology.
When we listen with real attention, touch with tenderness, or express admiration, our bodies respond. Oxytocin — the so-called bonding hormone — is released. It literally softens our defences, slows down the stress response, and makes connection feel safer.
That doesn’t mean cherishing is a hack or shortcut. But it does mean that sometimes you have to act first and let your body catch up. Reaching for a hand, offering a kind word, or pausing to listen can create the very state of mind you didn’t feel like offering.
Cherishing works because it’s not just emotional. It’s chemical.
Grand gestures may create memories. Cherishing creates longevity.
Cherishing in Conflict
Here’s the paradox: cherishing is most visible when things are hard.
Cherishing is most visible when things are hard. Anyone can be affectionate on holiday, with good wine and no responsibilities. But in conflict — when voices rise, when eyes roll, when someone storms out — cherishing shows its teeth.
It’s the choice to not go for the cheap shot. The pause before contempt. The “I’m angry, but I don’t forget you’re someone I admire.”
Conflict doesn’t cancel cherishing. It reveals whether it’s really there.
Cherishing is not a mood. It’s not something you only do when you feel generous.
Practice, Not Performance
It’s a practice. Daily gestures. Genuine words.
Respect even in anger. Admiration spoken aloud.
Sometimes you won’t feel like it. Sometimes your mood will drag its feet. Sometimes you’ll fall short. That’s normal.
Cherishing isn’t about perfection — it’s about practice.
And practice builds resilience.
Grand gestures may create memories. Initiate them, do them. Feel the joy in giving or receiving.
And remember: cherishing creates longevity. Invest your time, your presence.
And sometimes, when you reach out — when you listen, when you admire, when you touch — your body catches up.
Oxytocin does its quiet work. Walls soften. Connection returns.
Cherishing can be hard, sometimes, but it’s also simple: keep choosing each other.
Again and again.
Part of the series Romance & Relationships: Boundaries, Vulnerability, Conflict, Repair, Cherishing.
Vulnerability in Romance ·
Establishing Boundaries ·
Ending the Endless Fighting ·
Repair in Relationships ·
Cherishing: More Than Roses
→ Also see the
Repair Workshop ·
Cherishing Workshop
