What We’re Taught, What We Feel
A lot of us were told two things growing up.
One: that we’re visual creatures — and desire comes fast.
Two: that we shouldn’t look too long. That it’s disrespectful, predatory, creepy.
Caught between those two, many men end up managing their gaze like a guilty secret. We’re either checking out or trying hard not to. And rarely just being with what moves in us, cleanly.
It’s not about being “good” or “bad.” It’s about being aware — and staying rooted in that awareness — instead of reacting to it.
Desire isn’t wrong. But it asks something of us. To notice, to feel, and to not immediately reduce what we see into a target, a fantasy, or a problem.
She Moves Through Her Day. You Feel Something.
Esther Perel once said: “The erotic lives in the space between the self and the other. It’s not about what you do. It’s about how you attend.”
How you attend. That’s the real work.
What many men don’t realise is: being looked at doesn’t always feel good for women.
Sometimes it does — on their terms, in the right moment, with the right context.
But often, it feels loaded. As if their body has been turned into a billboard they never agreed to.
She is not a riddle for you to solve. She’s not broadcasting a code for you to decode.
She’s moving through her day.
And yet you feel something.
Energy Without Action
Old tantric traditions didn’t shame arousal. But they didn’t indulge it blindly either. They taught that energy — sexual or otherwise — is just that: energy.
You can follow it into fantasy.
You can fight it with guilt.
Or you can breathe with it. Notice it. Let it move through you without needing to act, suppress, or fix it.
This is where awareness meets discipline. Not the discipline of repression — the discipline of being fully present without collapsing into hunger or fear.
This isn’t spiritual fluff. It’s basic human maturity. You see something beautiful — or someone beautiful — and you stay rooted. You let your feet stay on the ground while your chest expands with heat or longing.
Nothing to fix. Nothing to grab. Nothing to run from.
Presence Without the Grab
You notice. You feel. You don’t stare. You don’t shrink in shame. You don’t assume her reasons.
You remember: she doesn’t owe you beauty, and you don’t owe yourself punishment for being moved.
What you do owe — if you’re serious about growing up — is presence. Noticing what moves you without letting it run the show.
That’s what separates objectification from appreciation: your capacity to stay with it, rather than act it out or squash it down.
Avoiding the Caricatures
Because a lot of men are stuck between two caricatures:
The passive nice guy who pretends nothing ever stirs him.
Or the leering archetype who confuses arousal with entitlement.
There’s a third way. To be alive to what moves in you, and mature enough to not confuse it for permission.
Noticing beauty is not the problem.
Losing yourself in it — or thinking it’s about you — is where the trouble starts.
The Task Is to Hold It
You don’t have to neuter your desire to be a decent man.
You just have to know how to hold it — without clutching, without spilling, without blaming.
As Terry Real puts it: “Masculinity without emotional awareness is dangerous. But emotional awareness without grounded action is useless.”
So ground yourself. Feel the pulse. Let it rise. Let it pass.
Stay kind.
Stay clear.
And keep walking.
