The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
(Since early 2019, after completing various trainings, I also offer couples counselling.)
In love, romance and sexuality there are numerous ‘reactions’; sometimes they are gentle and kind, sometimes they seem to tear at the fabric of our entire being. But transformation is quite guaranteed.
There are circumstances in which this process can be profoundly disturbing and even threatening. Being transformed is often a process that comes with some pain. However, it is also crystal clear that there is a great difference between healthy transformation for the good of each (and for all) involved and unhealthy patterns of relating. If a relationship seems to tear you down, if a relationship appears to offer hardly any reprieve from the issues the other should be struggling with, then it might be time to reflect on its merits.
If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?
Our contemporary cultures seem to have very utilitarian views on romance, love and even sexuality: “What’s in it for me?” The most intimate aspects of our lives have become coloured by a wide-spread thinking of love as an auditing act. Am I getting as much out of it as I am putting into it? Is my balance sheet written in red or black ink? True intimacy, however, does not keep balance sheets. It does not exchange services for good, or some feelings for certain emotions.
True intimacy starts with intimacy with yourself and love of your self. I feel it is hard, if not impossible, to genuine love another person if there is little to no genuine and authentic self-respect. It is quite hard to unconditionally love another – without fear or judgment – if we are too hard on ourselves, and if we seek perfection in ourselves without ever giving ourselves some slack for being human, and therefore being fallible.
In my interactions on love, romance and sexuality I tend to focus on your potential to love yourself, more than I concentrate on your ability to serve others. This might sound strange, but if you can unconditionally accept yourself, you will and you can serve others unconditionally, without expecting anything back.
I dream of a love that is more than two people craving to possess one another.