When it comes to physical fitness, the pursuit of a six-pack is often seen as the pinnacle of achievement. It’s a visible, tangible sign of dedication, discipline, and strength. But what if we applied the same concept to our emotional health? What if we strived not just for physical six-packs, but emotional ones as well? This is where counselling comes into play, especially for men, and it’s a journey that can be inspired by the work of Richard Rohr, Terry Real, and James Hillman.
Just as we exercise our bodies, we must also exercise our emotions. This doesn’t mean flexing your anger or running away from sadness. It means learning to understand, manage, and express your emotions in a healthy way. It means becoming emotionally fit. Counselling provides the tools and techniques to do this, much like a gym provides the equipment for physical exercise.
The Emotional Gym: Counselling for Men
In this emotional gym, men can learn to navigate their emotional landscape. It’s a place where they can build emotional strength and resilience, just as they would build physical strength in a gym. It’s a place where they can learn to understand their emotions, to express them in healthy ways, and to use them as a source of insight and growth.
An important distinction to make here, as highlighted by therapist Dick Schwartz, is the difference between sharing an emotion and emoting an emotion. Sharing an emotion involves expressing how you feel in a way that communicates your inner experience to others. It’s about being open and vulnerable, allowing others to see your true feelings. Emoting an emotion, on the other hand, is about letting the emotion take control, allowing it to dictate your actions and reactions. It’s a reactive state, rather than a communicative one.
Counselling can help men learn to share their emotions rather than simply emoting them. It can provide a safe space for men to explore their feelings, to understand them, and to express them in a way that fosters connection and understanding. It’s about learning to use emotions as a tool for communication and growth, rather than allowing them to control us.
Allow me to lean on some men of our time, who’ve explored these issues.
Inspiration from Richard Rohr
Richard Rohr, a globally recognized ecumenical teacher, has long advocated for men to embrace their emotions. He encourages men to delve into their inner world, to confront their fears and insecurities, and to embrace vulnerability. Counselling, in this context, can be seen as a safe space for men to explore these aspects of themselves, guided by a professional.
Rohr once said, “The journey to the True Self is, quite simply, the journey to wholeness, holiness.” This journey, as Rohr sees it, involves embracing all aspects of oneself, including one’s emotions. It involves confronting one’s fears and insecurities, and learning to see them not as weaknesses, but as integral parts of one’s identity.
Rohr’s work often focuses on the concept of the ‘False Self’, the persona we present to the world in an attempt to fit in and be accepted. He argues that this False Self is often at odds with our True Self, the core of who we really are. Counselling can help men to peel back the layers of their False Self, to confront the fears and insecurities that lie beneath, and to embrace their True Self with all its complexity and depth.
Learning from Terry Real
Terry Real, a renowned family therapist and author, has spent his career helping men break free from societal expectations of masculinity. He promotes the idea that men can be strong and vulnerable, assertive and empathetic. Counselling can help men reconcile these seemingly contradictory traits, leading to a more authentic and fulfilling life.
Real has famously said, “The paradox of men’s lives is that the very qualities that help us succeed in the workplace often prevent us from connecting in our relationships.” This paradox, as Real sees it, is the result of societal expectations that men should be strong, assertive, and unemotional. Counselling can help men navigate this paradox, allowing them to be both successful and emotionally connected.
Real’s work often focuses on the concept of ‘Relational Recovery’, the process of healing and growth that occurs in the context of relationships. He argues that men, like all people, are relational beings, and that their emotional health is deeply intertwined with the health of their relationships. Counselling can help men to understand this interconnectedness, to heal and strengthen their relationships, and to find a balance between their personal and relational selves.
Words of wisdom from James Hillman
James Hillman, a visionary psychologist, believed in the power of ‘soul-making’. He saw the soul as something that is crafted and honed over time, through experiences and introspection. Counselling can be a part of this soul-making process, helping men to understand their experiences and emotions on a deeper level.
Hillman once wrote, “We’ve had a hundred years of psychotherapy and the world’s getting worse.” This quote, while seemingly pessimistic, is actually a call to action. It’s a call for us to delve deeper into our inner worlds, to confront our fears and insecurities, and to use our experiences as a source of growth and transformation.
Hillman’s work often focuses on the concept of the ‘Acorn Theory’, the idea that each person has a unique potential that is present from birth, much like an acorn has the potential to become an oak tree. He argues that this potential, this ‘acorn’, is the source of our True Self, and that our task in life is to nurture and cultivate this acorn, to allow it to grow into the oak tree it is meant to be. Counselling can help men to discover their own ‘acorn’, to understand their unique potential, and to nurture it into fruition.
Emotional Fitness: How Counselling for Men Can Help
So, what does emotional fitness look like? This type of fitness is not something you can see, but you can feel it. Emotional fitness offers the strength to express your emotions without fear of judgment. It’s the resilience to face life’s challenges with grace. It’s the courage to be vulnerable, the wisdom to seek help when needed, and the ability to cultivate deep, meaningful relationships. Emotional fitness is a sign of emotional health and maturity, and it’s something that every man can achieve with time, effort, and the right guidance.
Emotional fitness might include the ability to express love openly and without fear, to feel sadness without being consumed by it, to experience anger without it leading to destructive behaviour. It might include the ability to feel joy, even in the face of adversity, and to feel peace, even in the midst of chaos.
But emotional fitness and literacy go beyond just the ability to feel and express emotions. It also includes emotional resilience, the ability to bounce back from emotional setbacks and challenges. It includes emotional intelligence, the ability to understand and navigate the emotions of others. It includes emotional agility, the ability to adapt and respond to changing emotional landscapes.
Emotional Mastery
Building emotional mastery also means developing a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem. It means cultivating a positive self-image, one that is not dependent on external validation or approval. It means learning to love and accept oneself, warts and all.
Moreover, it involves developing healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with stress, anxiety, and other negative emotions. It means learning to manage these emotions in a way that is healthy and constructive, rather than destructive or harmful.
Finally, emotional fitness involves the ability to form and maintain healthy, fulfilling relationships. It means learning to communicate effectively, to resolve conflicts in a constructive manner, and to express love and affection openly and honestly. It means being able to connect with others on a deep, emotional level.
In essence, being emotionally fit helps you build and practice a comprehensive suite of skills and abilities. It’s a sign of emotional and mental health and well-being. And just like physical fitness, you can developed and strengthen it over time, with the right guidance and support.
The Final Rep: Embracing Emotional Fitness
Counselling can play a crucial role in helping men develop their emotional resilience and independence. It can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for men to explore their emotions, and to confront their fears and insecurities. It can help you experiment with new ways of expressing and managing your feelings. It can provide the tools and techniques that men need to build emotional strength and resilience.
Counselling can also help men to break free from societal expectations of masculinity, to reconcile the seemingly contradictory traits of strength and vulnerability, assertiveness and empathy. It can help men to navigate the paradox that Terry Real speaks of, allowing them to be both successful and emotionally connected.
Embracing counselling is not a sign of weakness, but a step towards strength. It’s an exercise for your emotions, a workout for your soul. It’s a journey towards the True Self that Richard Rohr speaks of, a journey towards wholeness and holiness. It’s a part of the soul-making process that James Hillman describes, a process of growth and transformation.