We have all heard people speak of boundaries, and how – usually – others break them. The theme often pops up in sessions I do with clients. The question of how to establish boundaries in relationships, however, hardly enter the counselling room on its own. It tends to come accompanied by “violations” or “abuse”, “enmeshment” and “neediness”, “people pleasing” or “love avoidance”.
The topic of “boundaries” has a habit of bringing up quite a lot of emotional intensity: people bringing them into my room at times feel that their partner has, in a way, betrayed them by not responding as desired to what the other wanted, hoped, or expected. “The other” – or so it seems – has a duty, like a waiter in a restaurant, to obey and provide, no questions asked.
On the other side of the spectrum are people who feel suffocated by even the slightest request made by their partner as yet another expectation they need to meet, which doesn’t align with how they, for example, had their weekend planned.
Most people in relationships seldom know what they really want, ask for what they really want, or show what they really feel. Most people avoid or fear intimacy, consistently.
David Richo
By establishing boundaries in relationships well and wisely we create the necessary foundation to doing romance and intimacy well and wisely. Having poor boundaries leads to codependency and enmeshment, having to rigid boundaries leads to distancing, resentment and isolation.
Boundaries are the limits I set between myself and the world, to avoid me spilling my darkness or unprocessed emotions into the world and so damaging or hurting ‘the world out there’, and between the world and me to avoid getting swayed and unstable and hurt by whatever ‘the world out there’ might be up to.
Boundaries are a prerequisite for compassion and empathy. We can’t connect with someone unless we’re clear about where we end and they begin. If there’s no autonomy between people, then there’s no compassion or empathy, just enmeshment.
Brené Brown
Boundaries are the invisible lines that define our personal space, both physically and emotionally. They are the parameters we set to protect our self-esteem and maintain our individuality. Assertiveness, on the other hand, is the ability to express our thoughts, feelings, and needs in a respectful and confident manner. It is the voice that helps us uphold our boundaries. The intersection of boundaries and assertiveness is a crucial aspect of personal growth and development. It is here that we learn to balance our needs with those of others, fostering mutual respect and understanding. This balance is not always easy to achieve, but it is essential for our well-being and for the health of our relationships.
Establishing Boundaries in Relationships
Boundaries are not walls meant to isolate us, but rather guidelines that foster mutual respect and understanding. They allow us to engage in healthy relationships while preserving our individuality. The importance of vulnerability in establishing these boundaries cannot be overstated. By being open about our needs and limitations, we invite others to understand and respect our personal space. This openness is not a sign of weakness, but a testament to our strength and self-awareness. It is through this vulnerability that we can truly connect with others, without losing sight of who we are.
Moreover, boundaries are not static; they evolve as we grow and change. As we gain more self-awareness and understanding, we might find that our boundaries need to be adjusted. This is a normal part of maturing, and acting wisely and relationally. It’s important to regularly check in with ourselves and reassess our boundaries to ensure they are still serving us well.
Assertiveness: The Voice of Our Boundaries
Assertiveness is the language of our boundaries. It is how we communicate our needs, desires, and limits to others. Assertiveness is not about being aggressive or confrontational, but about being honest and direct. It is about expressing our truth without violating the rights of others. This balance between self-expression and respect for others is a delicate one, requiring both courage and empathy. It is through assertiveness that we can uphold our boundaries, ensuring that our needs are met while also respecting the needs of others.
Assertiveness also involves the ability to say “no” when necessary. This can be challenging, especially if we fear conflict or rejection. However, saying “no” is sometimes necessary to protect our boundaries and our well-being. It’s important to remember that we have the right to say “no” without feeling guilty or selfish.
A primary rule of assertiveness is that anyone has the right to ask you for anything; and you have the equal right to say no, without giving a reason.
Jonice Webb
When someone says “No” to my request, when they honour their own boundary, responsibility for meeting the need I shared with them falls squarely back into my lap. How am I going to meet my own unmet need? Can I fulfil it in other ways, can I pause the need, or do I maybe have to grieve it and let go?
Clear communication about needs and boundaries creates transparency and trust: the person I am with walks their talk and talks their walk. They offer me the opportunity to handle disappointment in a mature, wise way.
Differentiation: The Foundation of Healthy Boundaries
The concept of differentiation is a key aspect needed to establish healthy boundaries in relationships. Differentiation is the process of distinguishing oneself from others. It is about recognising and respecting the uniqueness of each individual. When we are differentiated, we can maintain our identity in the face of external pressures and expectations. This allows us to set boundaries that truly reflect our values and needs. Differentiation is not about isolation, but about maintaining our individuality while still being able to connect with others.
Differentiation also involves recognizing and respecting the individuality of others. Just as we have the right to set and uphold our boundaries, so do others. By respecting the boundaries of others, we foster mutual respect and understanding, which are essential for healthy relationships.
The interplay of boundaries, assertiveness, and differentiation is a fascinating aspect of personal growth. Our ability to assert our boundaries is directly linked to our level of differentiation. The more differentiated we are, the more capable we are of asserting our boundaries without fear of rejection or conflict. This interplay is a dynamic process, constantly evolving as we grow and learn. It is through this process that we can navigate the complexities of life with greater confidence and authenticity.
This interplay is not a one-time event, but a continuous process. As we navigate life, we will encounter situations that challenge our boundaries and test our assertiveness. These situations provide opportunities for growth and learning. They allow us to refine our boundaries, strengthen our assertiveness, and deepen our understanding of ourselves and others.
Embracing Boundaries and Assertiveness
In all of the relationships we maintain – be they professional or kin or friendship or love – boundaries and assertiveness are not obstacles but tools. They are the means through which we honour our individuality and engage in meaningful relationships. By embracing these concepts, we navigate the complexities of life with greater confidence and authenticity. It is through the understanding and application of boundaries and assertiveness that we can thrive, both as individuals and as members of our communities.
Establishing boundaries in relationships and exercising healthy assertiveness require a lifelong process of practice. They will need your courage, self-awareness, and a commitment to being truthful to self and others. The rewards are worth the effort.
By setting healthy boundaries and being assertive, we can create a life that reflects our values and needs. We can build meaningful relationships based on mutual respect and understanding. And most importantly, we can be true to ourselves, honoring our individuality and living authentically.
